Grief And Gratitude

27 Feb

Two years ago we adopted Stela, a blind pug. I had never been around a pug and had a lot to learn about their quirky nature. One skill she has is to be asleep on the couch, snoring loudly and on her feet a moment later when someone says one of the magic words, outside, potty, snacks, or walk. She’s a zero to a hundred in the blink of an eye kind of gal. Sometimes life is like that too.

Stela loves her pillow.

Last weekend I was blissfully returning from kayaking on Lake Bacalar, Mexico,where we live. I was anticipating the week leading up to my seventieth birthday, and in one misstep, I was sailing off the dock, landing on a pile of rocks, and screaming for my life. No bones were broken but doctor’s orders has me off my feet for 2-4 weeks. Zero to a hundred, but not in a good way.

I fell to the left of the kayak.

On Tuesday, our housekeeper of six years announced that she is pregnant with baby number five and could no longer work for us. While we completely understand it is the loss of a relationship that we were totally unprepared for. As much as I think that the people who work for us are not friends, the flood of tears said something different.

The husband of a friend and former neighbor from Texas lost his battle with cancer on top of the loss of our dear friend Suze the week before (Death Knocks) also to cancer.

On Sunday Lisa went to a celebration of life for her dear poker buddy Steve who died suddenly from Hepatitis C two years ago. He was a good guy.

Steve, Lisa’s Bacalar poker buddy and our friend.

I guess the only way we can be prepared for loss is to live every day fully. Many people don’t make it to seventy. I have a feeling that sadness and gratitude are a part of the aging process no one much talks about. I think fondly of Delmy, Troy, Suze and Steve as I grieve their loss. As for me, I think youth is vastly overrated. My bruised body will heal. None of us will ever be younger than we are right this minute, so enjoy today, live life to the fullest and above all be grateful.

DOS TORTAS

AFTER YOU DIE
Just so you know
after you die
I will not wonder
why you didn’t do
your dishes or
how long it’s been
since you
cleaned your
oven or microwave or
mopped your floors
or why there were
dust bunnies under
the bed and
behind the door

After you’re gone
I will not wonder
how you could
have allowed the
piles of old mail to
accumulate or
why you saved so
many bits and pieces
of this and that or
why you weren’t
more goal-oriented and
well-organized or
why your refrigerator
contained so many
expired condiments

When you are
absent from all your
familiar places
I vow to avoid wondering
why you didn’t
eat less and
exercise more or
why you waited so
long to stop smoking
or drinking or
whatever else was
simultaneously
soothing and
deadly or
why you took
whatever risk may
seem to have hastened
your exit or why
you left so much unsaid
unfinished or
unresolved

I will only wonder
if you knew how much
you mattered to me
just as you are
as you were when we
met in our temporary
human disguises and
laughed in the
dressing room of the
world at how funkily
our skin suits fit
at times

I will wonder and
hope you knew
you were beloved

I will wonder when
we last hugged
and whether you
felt how our
heartbeats
converged
and our bellies
bumped like boats
and then we
both sighed

Marva Lee Weigelt


14 Responses to “Grief And Gratitude”

  1. emilys72016 February 27, 2022 at 9:15 am #

    When I read the blog post title and saw your photo of Stela at the top, I immediately thought that you had lost her. Very relieved to find that is not the case, though I am very sorry for your losses of human friends. We lost our 14-year old Boston Terrier this week, so I am unusually sensitized to this topic at the moment. It is never easy. I hope you are healing up from your fall!

    Liked by 1 person

    • afish25 February 27, 2022 at 9:23 am #

      My mother had a Boston terrier. She loved her dearly. I have found it very painful loosing canine companions. Sometimes more so than human. They truly touch our hearts.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nancy Day February 27, 2022 at 11:00 am #

    Thank you. Back in Austin there is also grief and gratitude. Much love to you and Lisa. A friend died, and another friend fell, broke ankle and foot 🦶 bones. I send you and Lisa my love and healing energy. Nancy

    On Sun, Feb 27, 2022, 7:01 AM the adventures of dos tortas wrote:

    > afish25 posted: ” Two years ago we adopted Stela, a blind pug. I had never > been around a pug and had a lot to learn about their quirky nature. One > skill she has is to be asleep on the couch, snoring loudly and on her feet > a moment later when someone says one of the magic ” >

    Liked by 1 person

    • afish25 February 27, 2022 at 11:10 am #

      I miss the memorial services. We are so far away. It is important to be together, to hold each other, to cry together.

      Like

  3. Mary Ellen Heath February 27, 2022 at 12:01 pm #

    I do so enjoy your blog Alex, and am so sorry to hear of your mishap. Hope you heal fast and I’m thinking Stella will help with that right? Also, thank you for the poem, it is special and meaningful! XOXO to you and Lisa

    Liked by 1 person

    • afish25 February 27, 2022 at 12:09 pm #

      Thank you for let me know you enjoy the blog and the poem. Some blogs come easier than others. Blessings to you.

      Like

  4. Betty Chern-Hughes February 27, 2022 at 12:47 pm #

    Best wishes for your birthday and gratitude in the midst of loss

    Liked by 1 person

    • afish25 February 27, 2022 at 2:41 pm #

      I hope life is treating you well. We are learning a lot.

      Like

  5. Karen Hodgens February 27, 2022 at 4:24 pm #

    Wow, that’s quite a load–sorry and hope you heal quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • afish25 February 27, 2022 at 5:12 pm #

      Thanks Karen. We will. Takes time. We’re not the most patient lot.

      Like

  6. Joel February 28, 2022 at 11:34 am #

    Loved Marva’s spoken word!

    Joel

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jack Scott March 1, 2022 at 3:52 am #

    Get well soon. Onwards and upwards!

    Liked by 1 person

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