There was a time when I was fearless, hitchhiking across Mexico in my 20’s, climbing pyramids, swimming underwater into a cave, or staying out all night dancing.
Maybe it’s because I am now old (this week marks 74 years) and disabled (walking with a cane) that I find myself anxious about the unknown. Whether the world has become a scarier place or I am having trouble with my limitations, I don’t know. Either way, I am ashamed and embarrassed of my fear.
We have tickets on Tuesday to see the one and only Shakira. It’s my birthday and what a way to celebrate, right? We have someone staying with my mother-in-law and a sweet hotel reservation in Merida. And yet I am ready to cancel it all over an unfamiliar concert venue, fear of not finding a taxi, long bathroom lines and staying out most of the night.
I have read that writing is cathartic so here I am baring my soul. I know you won’t try to fix me. You might think I’m a little bonkers, but heck I think I’m a LOT bonkers.
Thanks for listening, or reading, or whatever it is we do here. I appreciate your support. Writing it down beats lying in bed with tears in my ears (as my dad used to say) any day.
DOS TORTAS
Released in 1952, the year I was born.
I’ve Got Tears in My Ears https://share.google/hMd6hIh5FY4NDWR9M
the adventures of dos tortas 
At 77 I feel like I used to crawl along the edge of adventure and excitement looking toward the light. Now I feel like I’m looking into an abyss and creeping a bit anxiously forward. We will just have to hold hands now to make it feel safer.
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Or blast Shakira in the car on the way to Merida. Facing the fear.
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Well, given that I’m 79, I’m getting old and I have no choice. I rail against my limitations, out loud and to myself. Right there with ya. A birthday wish coming your way.
Don’t try to age with grace. Age with mischief, audacity, and a good story to tell!
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Thanks Karen. Maybe I need to do more railing.
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Dear Alex,
I think – out of all your great blog posts – this is my favorite. What a beautiful, honest sharing – thank you for it. It touched me deeply – especially when I read all that could be challenging in Merida. It helped me realize how many things I let stop me from heading into what is next in my life – or what could be next. We are not in our 20’s anymore, are we??!? Life is different with limitations…
Still – I hope you and Lisa go with gusto – to Merida – and I hope you have a grand time and a delightful birthday! Happy birthday a bit early – and safe travels wishes as well😊
As I looked at the email following yours in my inbox, I thought “coincidence”? I’ll copy and paste it below –
Sending love and I leave April 3 for Mexico City and to Bacalar a few days later..happy to bring anything ..Love to Lisa and Alice – Lorrie
By David Whyte:
Just Beyond Yourself
Just beyond
yourself.
It’s where
you need
to be.
Half a step
into
self-forgetting
and the rest
restored
by what
you’ll meet.
There is a road
always beckoning.
When you see
the two sides
of it
closing together
at that far
horizon
and
deep in
the foundations
of your own
heart
at exactly
the same
time,
that’s how
you know
it’s the road
you
have
to follow.
That’s how
you know
it’s where
you
have
to go.
That’s how
you know
you have
to go.
That’s
how you know.
Just beyond
yourself,
it’s
where you
need to be.
-from The Bell and the Blackbird
Lorrie Jones
Simple Serenity
simpleserenity.comhttp://simpleserenity.com/
253.312.3117
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Not a big fan of poetry but this is beautiful and timely. You are a devoted follower and I appreciate it.
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Alex, your description of being more fearful now than you once were was a timely mirror of my own experience. It was helpful to me to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I once felt that, while I might not welcome confronting a difficult situation, I could handle it. Today I am fortunate that — so far — I don’t have a significant disability. But I still have aged and don’t have the energy, strength or mental agility that I had in my younger days. One result is that I have much higher anxiety levels than I did in the past. I hate it and am trying to reduce the anxiety with all the usual tools such as exercise, reframing my thoughts, meditation, etc. All that makes my anxiety more manageable but certainly has not eliminated it. abrazos, Marcia
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You are not alone. I was lying in bed in the throes of it when I decided to write the blog. Any time I want to hide, which is quite often, I figure I’m not the only one and I need to put it out into the universe. I guess the Health Educator is still alive and well. 😂
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I’m with you girl. It used to be tears in my beer, but now it’s fears in my gears! Love you loads!
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I totally get this, and I’m “only” 64 (65 in April) and not disabled. I think it’s maybe a natural part of aging, as very few people seem to retain their youthful hubris into their later years. Perhaps a lot of that is because we realize just how many things can happen or go wrong; we’ve seen it and maybe lived it. I’ve had plenty of adventures in my day but am more of a homebody now, to the point that even going on a short, in-state trip seems like kind of a big deal. But I try to push through the anxiety the best I can, as I know that’s the only way to stretch myself and not turn into a frightened turtle, pulling my head and limbs into my shell!
Good on you for going to the concert, and I hope it’s fantastic, with no fears realized in the end.
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Hang in there and be gentle with you, OK? I think it’s natural to feel what you’re feeling. When I feel free about riding (horses), I try to focus on all the times things went well and try to push out the feelings of when things didn’t go well (yes, that has happened). Not trying to tell you what to do, but maybe help change your focus. You have successes every day! Good luck and I hope you go to the concert! It’ll be a great way to celebrate your glorious BD!!!!
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